I just returned from a men's church retreat at the extraordinarily beautiful Summit Lake Camp in Emmitsburg, Maryland with ten other men from my church, Epworth United Methodist Church. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that was said and experienced at the retreat. This will be a report in progress. There can be no doubt that it was a highly emotional, powerful experience for a group of men who previously knew each other casually.
First, there is the matter of the setting at Summit Lake Camp. We stayed in a unique facility called "Marguerite" that was perfect for small groups. We were able to have rooms together, but also have our meetings together and recreational time together. The camp features a lake with paddleboats, ducks, and geese. There was a large campfire pit where we made s'mores. Also, there was a large dining hall where our group and other Christian students from five local universities were fed. The camp has several other cabins and large meeting facilities.
Our assistant pastor, Rev. Bill Jones, had built his three-day program around an independent film called "Courageous" which follows the lives of four police officers in Albany, Georgia who meet life's challenges in various ways. It culminates in the men taking a "Resolution" together to follow Christ and be the best husbands, fathers, and friends they possibly can be be. We will be taking the same pledge in church on November 16 as an act of solidarity together. Our wives and our children will be invited to join us in the ceremony.
Part of our discussion was the nature of men's friendships. I told the story of Dr. Geoffrey Greif's book,
Buddy System, which examined male friendships. Dr. Greif is a professor in the University of Maryland School of Social Work and explains that men have "shoulder to shoulder" relationships whereas women have "face to face" relationships. Men are good at working side by side on projects or watching sporting events side by side, but women are able to relate to each other "face to face" and are much more able to express themselves emotionally. He writes that men have
must, trust, just,and
rust friends. A
must friend is the best friend a man absolutely must call with earthshaking news. A
trust friend is liked and trusted but not necessarily held as close as a must friend.
Just friends are casual acquaintances, while
rust friends have a long history together and can drift in and out of each other's lives, essentially picking up where they last left off.
Rev. Jones had asked a series of men from our group to give presentations and they were all excellent. Sometimes, they were very emotional as the men told their stories of growing up and what they had experienced. Since returning, I also wrote on our Facebook web site about the difficulty of older men (Baby Boomers) being able to open up because of the experiences they had when they were growing up and the stoic nature of their fathers who were the products of the Depression and World War Two.
While I was deeply moved by the things I heard this weekend and will greatly value my insights into my "brothers", there is still a large part of me that is distrustful of things that are too emotional. I have yearned for greater spiritualism. But I find myself studying spiritualism and not fully embracing it. The lessons of "Star Trek" find myself still siding with Spock and his Vulcan reasoning and not Captain Kirk and his hot-blooded human emotions. I still have a way to go.
